My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
