She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
