I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
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