if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
