I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
