why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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