wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
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Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?