Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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