I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
