then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
