Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
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