i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Randomize
