She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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