my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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