You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
