I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
