I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
