Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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