I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Randomize
