What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
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We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
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We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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