Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
