shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
