I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
