I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
