Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
