I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
