U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
