In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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