If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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