Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
