I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
