Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
