He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
She's like a pop up book from hell.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
