I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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