Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
