He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
