and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Randomize
