I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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