i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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