Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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