I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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