Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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