why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
