can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
