and you said cock pushups were impossible
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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