True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
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its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
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I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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