Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
