why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
