Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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