Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
