He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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