just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
