It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
wanna go halves on a baby?
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
