I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
