vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
