I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
