Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
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you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
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I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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