If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I smell stomach acid.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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